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1. EFFECTIVE WAYS TO HANDLE DEFIANCE IN CHILDREN

EFFECTIVE WAYS TO HANDLE DEFIANCE IN CHILDREN

The challenge of dealing with a defiant child is something nearly all parents face at some point. Defiance is a common issue, particularly during the toddler and adolescent years. It’s a normal stage in a child’s growth and may appear as talking back, refusing to follow instructions, or disobeying parents, teachers, and other authority figures. However, that doesn’t make it any less frustrating when your child behaves in a difficult or disrespectful way. For school-aged children, defiance often shows up through arguing, ignoring requests, or deliberately moving at a snail’s pace rather than throwing tantrums, which are more typical in younger kids. Such behavior may be your child’s way of asserting control, testing boundaries, seeking independence, or showing dislike for certain tasks like chores.

When Defiance Is Something Else

Sometimes, what looks like defiance may actually be a child who is simply slow to respond because they’re deeply absorbed in an activity. Understanding the reason behind your child’s actions is key to effectively addressing the behavior. However, there are situations where defiant behavior extends beyond what’s typical. When defiance continues for a long time and starts to disrupt a child’s school performance or relationships with family and friends, it could indicate a condition known as oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). Children with ODD often display the following behaviors:

• Frequent temper tantrums
• Aggression that’s inappropriate for their age
• Breaking minor rules
• Argumentative behavior
• Intentionally provocative actions
• Persistent stubbornness

 

Kids with ODD are more likely to struggle with depression, anxiety, conduct disorder, or ADHD. If you think your child might be showing signs of ODD, it’s important to seek help from a healthcare provider or school counselor for proper assessment and support. If your child’s defiance doesn’t meet the criteria for ODD and isn’t linked to another underlying issue, there are still effective strategies you can use to help improve their behavior. The following are tips on how to control defiant behaviour:

Set Expectations

Ensure that your child clearly understands the household rules and assigned chores, and that these expectations are suitable for their age. For example, a 5- or 6-year-old might feel overwhelmed if told to clean their entire room and may resist doing it. They’re more likely to cooperate if the task is broken down into smaller, manageable steps—like picking up toys from the floor and helping you put them away.

Get to the Root of the Problem

Identify the causes and triggers behind your child’s defiant behavior and try to observe any patterns. Ask yourself questions like:

• Do certain situations or tasks consistently lead to resistance?
• Are there specific things they strongly dislike or avoid doing?
• Does their defiance increase when home or school feels stressful or chaotic?

Once you understand the underlying cause, you can make adjustments to help reduce situations that provoke opposition.

Set Your Child Up for Success

Try to minimize circumstances that may lead your child to act out or become defiant. For example, if your child tends to get irritable when overloaded, limit after-school or weekend activities to prevent fatigue. If they struggle with sudden changes, build in extra time for breaks or transitions between activities to make adjustments smoother and more manageable.

Treat Your Child with Respect

Just like adults, even well-behaved children can have tough days. They might feel upset, tired, or simply need some time to recharge. While it’s important to stay firm about expectations, communicate with your child in a kind and understanding way. By modeling respectful communication and showing how to disagree calmly, you teach your child how to express their feelings appropriately.

Take Advantage of Their Verbal Skills

When dealing with defiance, parents of school-aged children have an advantage over those with toddlers—they can talk things through. Take time to calmly discuss your child’s feelings or wants and work together to find a solution or compromise that satisfies both of you.

Establish Ground Rules

Ensure your child understands your household rules clearly. For example, if disrespectful talk is unacceptable, make it known that such behavior will have firm consequences—no exceptions. Choose disciplinary actions that are appropriate for your child’s age and that you can consistently enforce, such as no TV for the day or assigning an extra chore. This consistency helps your child learn accountability. However, research indicates that physical punishment, like spanking, is ineffective in correcting defiant behavior and may cause more harm than good.

Compromise When Possible

If your child insists on wearing a light skirt on a chilly day, avoid turning it into a battle. Instead, offer a reasonable compromise—like pairing the skirt with tights or leggings. Compromise can also work well for minor issues, such as letting your child put on their own shoes, giving them a sense of independence. This approach helps children feel some control while teaching that certain rules—like wearing a coat in cold weather—are non-negotiable. Studies even show that children of supportive, cooperative parents tend to have lower rates of depression.

Discuss Options

Sometimes, children act out because they want a sense of control over when or how things are done. You can encourage cooperation by offering choices within set limits. For example, once you’ve established what needs to be done, let your child decide when to complete the task, helping them feel empowered while still respecting your boundaries.

At Giving Hope Counselling Services, our Marriage and Family Therapists are dedicated to helping you raise emotionally healthy, confident, and well-adjusted children. We provide expert guidance on nurturing positive behavior, setting healthy boundaries, and building strong family relationships rooted in love and respect. Whether you’re navigating defiance, communication challenges, or parenting stress, our team will equip you with practical tools and evidence-based strategies to foster harmony at home and support your child’s overall well-being.

Call/WhatsApp us at *+254733932470* |*+254733932470* to book a counselling session.

*Peter Mugi Kuruga*

*Counselling Psychologist* | *Marriage and Family Therapist*

*Court Annexed Mediator*

 

References

Ghosh, A., Ray, A., & Basu, A. (2017). Oppositional defiant disorder: current insight. Psychology research and behavior management, 353-367.

 

Lanjekar, P. D., et al, (2022). The effect of parenting and the parent-child relationship on a child's cognitive development: A literature review. Cureus, 14(10).

 

Sege, Robert D., et al. ((2018).  "Effective discipline to raise healthy children." Pediatrics 142.6 e20183112.