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1. FIGHTING FAIR IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS AND OUR MARRIAGES

FIGHTING FAIR IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGES

Do you and your spouse ever argue? Every couple disagrees sometimes—that’s just part of marriage. Our differences will eventually show up, and if we don’t address them, they can harm the relationship. But as Linda and Charlie Bloom wisely put it, “Arguments can’t be avoided, but destructive ones can.” It’s important to work through disagreements in a way that helps the relationship grow stronger, not weaker. The real question is: how do you handle them? When conflict leads to arguments, are you fighting fair? This matters because, as Dr. Phil McGraw reminds us, “How you argue—especially how you end an argument—can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship. A key rule in every fight is to stay in control. Being childish, abusive, or disrespectful only damages trust. If your feelings are valid, you have the right to express them—but always in a respectful and constructive way.”

“Disagreements will happen,” says Dr. Phil. “The real question is whether you approach them wanting to resolve the issue or just to win, control, or get even. If you treat your relationship like a competition, then one of you has to lose for the other to win. But marriage isn’t about winning or losing—it’s about partnership.”

Dr. Phil gives the following rules for fighting fair:

• Keep it private. Don’t argue in front of your children. It can deeply affect them and leave lasting scars.
• Stay relevant. Stick to the issue at hand—don’t drag in old grudges or unrelated complaints.
• Be real. Focus on the true problem, not just symptoms of it, so the discussion actually brings relief.
• Avoid personal attacks. Don’t let the disagreement turn into insults or name-calling.
• Stay focused on solutions. Know what you want to achieve from the conversation so you’ll recognize when progress is made.
• Let your partner retreat with dignity. Accept peace offerings like an apology or a lighthearted comment, and allow the argument to end respectfully.
• Keep perspective. Not every disagreement is a crisis—choose your battles wisely.
• Set limits. Arguments should be short-lived. Don’t let them drag on and poison the relationship.

It’s good to keep in mind that we all bring our own perspectives and biases into how we deal with conflict in marriage. There isn’t always just one “right” way to handle disagreements. However, as Matthew D. Turvey reminds us, there are certain mindsets and behaviors we should definitely avoid. We believe this strongly too: having a marriage license is not permission to be rude, harsh, or impatient with your spouse. You can speak the truth and address real issues—but it should always be done with respect.

We should make it a rule not to raise our voices at each other. Yelling often pushes arguments into a harmful direction, so we’ve learned to stop it early. If one of us starts getting louder, the other gently says, “I’m listening—you don’t need to yell.”

Sheila Wray Gregoire also encourages using calm statements like:

• “I’d appreciate a different tone of voice.”
• “I feel hurt when you speak to me that way.”
• “Could you ask me in a kinder way?”

More Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage:

Michael Smalley wisely advises: Don’t confront your spouse when you’re stressed out. We call this H.A.L.T. time—when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Pay attention to your body’s warning signs of stress or overload. If emotions are too high, it’s okay to pause the conversation. Just make sure you agree to come back and talk once you’ve both calmed down (Ephesians 4:26; Proverbs 11:14).

Another helpful tip we learned years ago is to ask: Does this really matter in the long run? When tension rises, consider whether the issue will still matter a year—or even five years—from now. If not, it may be better to let it go. Many arguments can be avoided with this mindset. Sometimes the wisest choice is to simply agree to disagree, as Proverbs 17:14 reminds us: “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out” (Cindy and Steve Wright).

And finally, as Dr. David B. Hawkins points out: Know when to drop an issue. Too often, couples drag arguments out in endless power struggles. You don’t always have to prove who’s “right” or “wrong.” Respect each other’s views, let go of the need to win, and choose harmony instead.

The bottom line remains:

“All marriages face conflict… what truly matters is how you deal with it when it comes.” (Belinda Elliot)

More than anything, we encourage you to reflect on these scriptures when it comes to handling disagreements wisely:

• “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15)
• “The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.” (Proverbs 18:15)
• “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.” (Proverbs 19:20)

May God’s wisdom and blessing guide your marriage always! (Cindy and Steve Wright).

At Giving Hope Counselling Services, our Marriage and Family Therapists are here to help you and your spouse learn how to handle conflicts in a fair and respectful way. We understand that disagreements are part of every relationship, but when managed wisely, they don’t have to damage your love—they can actually strengthen it. With our expert guidance, you’ll gain practical tools to resolve differences peacefully, rebuild trust, and keep the intimacy in your marriage alive and thriving.

Call/WhatsApp us at +254721240462/+254733932470 or email us at info@givinghope.co.ke to book an online or physical counselling session. Also visit the blog on our website www.givinghope.co.ke for similar articles.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

Court Annexed Mediator