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1. HEARTBREAK TO HEALING: UNDERSTANDING THE 7 STAGES OF A BREAKUP

HEARTBREAK TO HEALING: UNDERSTANDING THE 7 STAGES OF A BREAKUP

Breakups can be incredibly painful, regardless of how they unfold. One moment, you're imagining a future together while walking hand in hand; the next, you're left alone, watching those dreams fall apart. According to Claudia de Llano, LMFT—licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love”—a breakup can feel as intense as mourning a death. That’s because it often involves the loss of one of the most meaningful relationships in our lives. The emotional aftermath can feel like a turbulent ride, with waves of sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, anxiety, and loneliness—sometimes punctuated by fleeting glimpses of hope or acceptance. These feelings don’t always follow a neat sequence; they may come in cycles or hit you all at once. Clarissa Silva, a behavioral scientist and relationship coach, explains that it’s common to feel anger, loss, and resentment simultaneously during this time. Still, as painful as the journey may be, it ultimately leads to acceptance and personal growth—so take heart and keep going. The stages of a breakup are like those of a grief and are as follows:

Stage 1: Ambivalence

Right after a breakup, your mind is flooded with conflicting thoughts and emotions. It's as if your heart and mind are in a constant battle, pulling you in opposing directions.

Here are some common experiences during this stage:

Doubting your decision: You might feel confident one moment that ending the relationship was the right call, but the next, you're questioning whether things could have been different if you'd tried harder.

Replaying scenarios: Your brain keeps running through endless "what ifs"—wondering how things might have turned out if you or your ex had acted differently.

Emotional whiplash: One minute you're feeling strong and ready to move on, and the next, you're scrolling through old messages or photos, flooded with longing and regret.

Conflicting emotions: You may feel relieved the conflict is over but still dread being alone. You could be angry about how you were treated and still miss the person deeply.

Ways to Cope

To navigate this emotional tug-of-war, consider these strategies:

Accept your feelings: It's normal to have contradictory emotions. Let yourself fully experience what you're feeling—this is part of the healing process.

Be truthful with yourself: Reflect on your needs and what you truly want. Are you missing your ex, or just afraid of change? As Clarissa Silva advises, “Be honest with yourself. You have to define your truth.”

Write a pros and cons list: Putting things down on paper can bring clarity. This can help you assess the relationship more objectively and determine whether the breakup was truly in your best interest.

Try a grief ritual: Engaging in symbolic acts—like writing a goodbye letter and burning it, donating items tied to the relationship, or refreshing your space—can help you process emotions and create a sense of closure and peace.

Stage 2: Denial and Shock

In the aftermath of a breakup, shock often takes over. During this stage, it's common to deny both the reality of the breakup and the intensity of your emotions. As Claudia de Llano explains, denial acts as a defense mechanism—it helps cushion the blow as your mind starts to process a new and painful reality. Here are some common experiences during this phase:

Struggling to accept it’s over: You might find yourself thinking, “This can’t be real,” or holding onto hope that things will go back to the way they were. You may believe, “We’ve been through worse—we can fix this,” or, “They’ll change their mind and come back.”

Avoiding emotional pain: Instead of confronting the sadness or heartbreak, you may bury yourself in work or daily tasks to keep your mind occupied and avoid the discomfort.

Forgetting it’s real: You might instinctively reach out for them in your sleep or expect them to walk through the door, forgetting—if only for a moment—that the relationship has ended.

Continuing contact: You may still talk to your ex as if nothing has changed, texting or calling them for advice or updates, treating them like a partner even though the relationship is over.

Keeping it a secret: You might hesitate to tell friends or family about the breakup, partly because you haven’t fully accepted it yourself and partly because you're still clinging to hope of reconciliation.

Ways to Cope

Let yourself feel: Stop numbing or avoiding your emotions. Allow yourself to fully experience whatever comes up—pain, sadness, anger—without judgment.

Talk to trusted people: De Llano suggests opening up to your loved ones. Telling them what happened and how you feel can help you begin to emotionally process the breakup.

Accept the new reality: It can be painful to repeatedly “forget” that you're no longer together and then be reminded all over again. Give yourself permission to grieve each time this happens. Over time, this grief helps you slowly adjust to your new life.

Cut off contact: Resist the urge to reach out to your ex or check in on their social media. Clarissa Silva warns that staying in touch will only prolong your pain, keeping your mind stuck in the past and making it much harder to move forward.

Stage 3: Anger and Resentment

After a breakup, it’s common to feel a surge of anger and resentment toward your ex. These intense emotions often surface as part of the healing process. The thoughts and behaviors that might arise during this stage are:

Feeling deeply wounded: Hurt from the breakup may come out as anger. You might find yourself thinking, “How could they do this to me?” or “They had no right to treat me that way.”

Lashing out: You may be tempted to send angry texts, say things you later regret, or stir up arguments with your ex—even after the relationship has ended.

Looking for someone to blame: Whether it’s your ex, yourself, or external circumstances, you might search for a scapegoat to direct your frustration toward.

Rehashing old wrongs: You might repeatedly revisit past mistakes your ex made, mentally tallying all the ways they hurt you, which only fuels your anger.

Wishing them ill: You could find yourself hoping your ex suffers or can’t be happy without you.

Destroying reminders: The urge to throw away or destroy gifts, photos, or other mementos tied to your ex can feel like a way to release your anger.

Growing cynical: Your anger might start to influence how you view people and relationships in general, leading to bitterness or distrust.

Ways to Cope

Some healthy approaches for dealing with anger and resentment include:

Allow yourself to feel: De Llano encourages sitting with your anger instead of suppressing it. Letting the emotion come and go naturally can help you move through it.

Channel it productively: Use your anger as fuel for positive action—whether that’s working out, journaling, creating art, or playing music.

Establish boundaries: Limit contact with your ex to protect yourself from triggers and keep emotional outbursts in check.

Resist venting negativity: While it’s tempting to vent about your ex, Silva advises against tearing them down to others. Instead, use conversations to focus on your own healing and personal growth.

Seek professional support: If the anger feels overwhelming or persistent, therapy can help you process it in a constructive way.

Work toward forgiveness: Forgiveness isn’t about excusing hurtful behavior—it’s about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment. Over time, this may also include forgiving yourself.

Stage 4: Bargaining and Negotiation

During this phase, you may find yourself trying to find ways—either with yourself or your ex—to reverse the breakup. As Claudia de Llano explains, bargaining is a natural part of grief that helps you manage the emotional pain by imagining how things could have gone differently. The common thoughts and behaviors at this stage are:

Hoping for another chance: You might think, “If I just had one more opportunity, I’d do everything differently.”

Pledging to change: In an effort to win your ex back, you may make promises like “I’ll be better,” “I’ll do what you needed,” or “This time will be different.”

Looking for middle ground: You may try to salvage the relationship by suggesting compromises—like going to couples therapy or addressing past issues.

Redefining the relationship: Instead of letting go completely, you may propose alternative arrangements like staying friends, becoming casual partners, or trying an open relationship to keep the person in your life.

Sacrificing your values: You might begin adjusting your core beliefs, personal boundaries, or lifestyle to accommodate the relationship, even if it doesn’t feel authentic to you.

Ways to Cope

Avoid selective memory: Resist the urge to dwell only on the happy moments. As Clarissa Silva points out, focusing on the highlights can distort your perception and lead you to forget why things ended in the first place.

Be realistic about your ex: It’s easy to put them on a pedestal after a breakup, but it’s important to remember the full picture—including the problems that led to the split.

Hold onto your values: Don’t give up your core beliefs or reshape your identity to keep a relationship alive. Trust that you can find a healthy partnership with someone who respects and aligns with who you are.

Stage 5: Depression and Sadness

This stage is marked by deep emotional pain and, for many, a sense of emptiness or even depression following the end of a meaningful relationship. Some common experiences during this phase are:

Persistent sadness: You may feel a heavy emotional weight that affects your mood and energy. Activities you once found enjoyable might now seem dull or meaningless.

Frequent crying: You might find yourself crying often, especially when reminded of the relationship or specific memories.

Feelings of hopelessness: You could start thinking things like, “I’ll never find love again,” “I’ll always be alone,” or “No one will love me the way they did.” These thoughts can feed a sense of despair and loneliness.

Withdrawal from others: You may pull away from your social circle, finding it difficult to engage or feeling like no one can truly understand what you're going through.

Physical symptoms: Breakups can take a toll on your body too, affecting sleep, appetite, and overall energy levels.

As Claudia de Llano describes, this stage can feel like the foundation you once stood on has disappeared, leaving you ungrounded and overwhelmed.

Coping Strategies

Allow yourself to mourn: Acknowledge that grief is a natural response to loss. Give yourself permission to feel the pain without rushing your healing. “Be patient with yourself and the process,” de Llano advises.

 

Challenge hopeless thoughts: When you catch yourself spiraling into negative thinking, try to reframe those thoughts. Instead of “I’ll always be alone,” remind yourself, “I’m healing, and this is a time to rediscover who I am and what I want moving forward.”

Practice self-care: Prioritize your well-being with proper sleep, nourishing food, physical activity, and small routines that bring comfort and peace.

Connect with supportive people: Don’t isolate yourself—lean on those who care about you. Spend time with people who make you feel heard and safe.

Stay present: Mindfulness practices like meditation, deep breathing, or journaling can help anchor you in the present and prevent you from becoming consumed by the past or anxious about the future.

Consider therapy: If the sadness feels too heavy to carry alone, seek professional help. A therapist can offer tools and guidance to help you process the pain and begin to rebuild.

Stage 6: Acceptance and Healing

With time, the emotional wounds begin to mend, and you gradually come to terms with the end of the relationship. At this point, you’re able to reflect on the relationship with more clarity, understanding that it served its purpose and is now part of your past. “When we reach this stage, we allow ourselves to integrate the feelings, experiences, lessons, and memories of the relationship and come to the realization that it has run its course.” — Claudia de Llano, LMFT. Common experiences during this stage may include:

Accepting reality: You no longer resist the fact that the relationship is over and are able to embrace life as it is now.

Emotional stability: Intense feelings of sadness, anger, or longing have softened, and you feel more grounded.

Gaining closure: You start to understand the breakup more clearly, making peace with how and why it happened. This new perspective contributes to personal growth.

Letting go of the past: You release lingering resentment or guilt and begin to genuinely forgive both yourself and your former partner.

Readiness to move forward: What once seemed impossible—moving on—now feels attainable. You may catch yourself thinking, “That chapter is closed,” or “It’s okay that they’ve moved on—I’m ready too.”

 

Healing Strategies

Reframe your experience: Instead of focusing on what was lost, view the breakup as an opportunity to grow and learn about yourself.

Acknowledge your resilience: Give yourself credit for getting through such a painful experience and becoming stronger because of it.

Find gratitude: Appreciate the meaningful moments, lessons, and love that were part of the relationship—even if it ended.

Feel the loss, but look forward: As de Llano puts it, “Allow yourself to recognize and feel the loss while still remembering you will love again.”

Stage 7: Growth and Moving On

In time, you’ll reach a place where you're not just healing—you’re thriving. This stage marks the beginning of a new chapter, where you're ready to embrace life with renewed purpose and optimism. Some thoughts and behaviors that may emerge during this phase include:

Rebuilding self-worth: You begin to feel more confident, rediscovering your sense of identity and personal value.

Reengaging socially: You start spending more time with friends and feel motivated to participate in social events again.

Openness to love: You feel emotionally ready to explore new romantic connections and are open to forming new relationships.

Growth Strategies

Some ways to support your personal development during this phase are:

Read for insight: De Llano recommends reading books on relationships and self-development to deepen your understanding and promote emotional growth.

Strengthen your connections: Surround yourself with supportive people who offer varied perspectives and encouragement, says Silva.

Try new things: Exploring new hobbies and interests can lead to fresh insights and help you reconnect with yourself.

Travel: Seeing new places and experiencing different environments can shift your mindset and provide emotional renewal.

A Final Note

Breakups are deeply challenging, but they can also be transformative. Every stage of healing plays a role in helping you become a stronger, wiser version of yourself. If you're in the thick of it right now, trust that healing is a process. One day, you’ll look back and realize the pain has eased—and that you’ve grown in powerful ways. Be kind to yourself along the way. You've come further than you think.