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1. HOW TO RAISE EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT CHILDREN

HOW TO RAISE EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT CHILDREN

While academic intelligence is valuable, fostering emotional intelligence in children is one of the most essential responsibilities for parents.

Emotional intelligence (EQ)—the capacity to recognize, understand, express, and manage one's emotions, along with the ability to navigate relationships with empathy, awareness, and respect for others' emotional experiences—is a vital skill that evolves over time. Parents can support children in developing EQ at any age. It helps them build empathy, regulate their emotions, and develop social skills that will guide them through life.

Advantages of Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children

Over the last few decades, research has shown that emotional intelligence offers a range of benefits that can positively impact a child's life. On the other hand, having a low EQ can create difficulties later in life. Below are several ways emotional intelligence proves to be valuable:

 High EQ is Linked to High IQ

Studies suggest that individuals identified as gifted often score higher on emotional intelligence assessments. However, the research is mixed, as cognitive abilities, social environments, and individual differences also play a significant role.

 Better Relationships

Emotional intelligence skills help children manage conflict and foster deeper, more meaningful friendships. Adults with high emotional intelligence also report stronger relationships in both their personal and professional lives.

 Childhood EQ and Success in Adulthood

A 19-year study published in the *American Journal of Public Health* found that a child’s social and emotional abilities in kindergarten can predict their success later in life. Children who could share, cooperate, and follow instructions at age 5 were more likely to earn college degrees and secure full-time jobs by age 25.

Improved Mental Health

Research suggests that higher levels of emotional intelligence can act as a protective factor against mental health issues such as depression.

 

The advantages of emotional intelligence are clear. A child who can regulate their anger is more likely to thrive in challenging situations. Similarly, a child who expresses emotions in a healthy way is more likely to maintain positive relationships compared to one who reacts impulsively or with hurtful words. The good news is that all children have the potential to learn emotional intelligence. With the right guidance and consistent support from adults, they can develop these essential skills.

Using Feeling Words To identify a Child’s Emotions

Feeling words are terms that represent various emotions. For instance, words like hurt, angry, and happy are good examples. You can use a list of feeling words to help your child recognize the different emotions they might feel and teach them how to identify and name them.

It can be helpful to point out the signs your child gives to show how they're feeling. For instance, if your child is upset about losing a game or having to share a toy, you might say, "I noticed your fists are clenched and you stomped your feet. It seems like you're feeling really angry. Is that right?" If they appear sad, you could say, "I see you're frowning and have tears in your eyes. Are you disappointed that we won't be visiting Grandma and Grandpa today?"

Using emotional words like “angry,” “upset,” “shy,” and “painful” helps build a vocabulary for expressing emotions. Be sure to include positive feelings as well, like “joy,” “excited,” “thrilled,” and “hopeful.”

Showing Empathy

When your child is upset—especially if their emotions seem exaggerated—it can be tempting to downplay their feelings, but dismissive comments can signal to your child that their emotions are wrong, making it less likely they'll open up to you in the future. A more effective approach is to acknowledge their feelings and show empathy, even if you don’t fully understand why they’re so upset. For example, if your child is crying because you told them they can’t go to the park until they clean their room, you could say, “I feel upset too when I can’t do what I want. It’s hard to keep going sometimes when I don’t feel like it.”

By demonstrating that you value their emotions and want to understand how they feel, you can help make them less likely to express their big feelings through unhelpful or inappropriate behaviors.

Modeling good ways for expressing feelings

Children need to learn how to express their emotions in ways that are socially appropriate. While saying, “My feelings are hurt,” or drawing a sad face can be helpful, behaviors like screaming in someone’s face or breaking things are not acceptable. The most effective way to teach your child how to express their feelings is by modeling these behaviors yourself. Incorporate feeling words into your daily conversations and practice discussing emotions. For example, you might say, “I feel angry when I see kids being mean on the playground,” or “I feel happy when we have our friends over for dinner.”

Research shows that parents with high emotional intelligence are more likely to adopt parenting styles that help raise emotionally intelligent children. So, make it a point to work on building your own skills, setting a positive example for your child.

Teaching appropriate coping skills

Once children recognize their emotions, they need to learn how to manage them in healthy ways. For young kids, it can be challenging to figure out how to calm down, lift their spirits, or confront their fears. Teach them specific strategies. For example, your child might benefit from learning to take deep breaths when they're feeling angry to help calm their body. One way to make this fun is by introducing “bubble breaths,” where they inhale through their nose and exhale through their mouth, imagining they are blowing through a bubble wand.

You can also help your child put together a kit to help them regulate their emotions. Items like a coloring book, a favorite joke book, calming music, or scented lotions can engage their senses and soothe their feelings. Place these items in a special box that your child decorates. Then, when they're upset, remind them to use their calm-down kit and practice the tools they've learned to manage their emotions.

Building problem-solving skills

Part of developing emotional intelligence involves learning how to solve problems. After recognizing and addressing the feelings involved, it’s time to focus on finding solutions to the issue at hand. For example, if your child is frustrated because their sibling keeps interrupting them while playing a video game, help them come up with at least five possible solutions. These don’t have to be perfect ideas; the goal is simply to brainstorm. Once they have several solutions, guide them in evaluating the pros and cons of each. Then, encourage them to choose the best one.

When your child makes mistakes, talk through what could have been done differently and what they can do to fix any remaining problems. Approach this process as a coach, helping them navigate the situation, rather than solving the problem for them.

Make emotional intelligence a goal to be achieved

No matter how emotionally intelligent your child appears, there’s always room for growth, and they will likely experience ups and downs during childhood and adolescence. As they get older, they’ll encounter challenges that test their skills. Therefore, aim to make skill-building a regular part of your daily routine. When your child is young, make it a habit to talk about emotions every day. Discuss the feelings of characters in books or movies, and talk about better ways the characters could have solved problems or treated others with respect.

Use your child’s mistakes as opportunities for growth. When they act out due to anger or hurt someone’s feelings, take time to reflect on the situation, discuss how they might make the person feel better, and explore what different choices they could make in the future. With your continued support and guidance, your child can build the emotional intelligence and resilience needed to maintain healthy relationships and succeed in life.

Building emotional intelligence in children is a vital process that helps them understand and manage their emotions effectively. It begins by teaching kids to recognize and name their feelings, helping them express these emotions in socially appropriate ways. This can be done by modeling emotional expression and using feeling words in everyday conversations. By acknowledging their emotions and showing empathy, parents create a supportive environment where children feel safe to open up and manage their feelings without resorting to negative behaviors.

At Giving Hope Counselling Services, our team of experts is dedicated to helping families develop emotionally healthy environments and build strong, lasting relationships. Whether you are looking to help your child understand and manage their emotions or seeking ways to strengthen family bonds, we offer personalized support to guide your journey. Our compassionate counselors will work closely with you and your children, providing effective strategies and tools to nurture emotional intelligence, resolve conflicts, and foster positive communication. Let us help you create a family dynamic where everyone thrives emotionally and relationally. Reach out to Giving Hope Counselling Services today, and start building a healthier, happier family tomorrow.

Call/WhatsApp us at +254721240462 or + 254733932470 to book a session. Visit our blog at www.givinghope.co.ke for similar articles on the welfare of the family.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist