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1. INSECURITY - CAUSES AND COPING STRATEGIES TO BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE

INSECURITY - CAUSES AND COPING STRATEGIES TO BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE

Have you ever struggled with feeling like you’re not enough? Do you often compare yourself to others and feel like you fall short? Maybe you avoid trying new things because you’re convinced you won’t succeed. Perhaps that critical inner voice shows up at work, when you're with friends, or even when you’re just looking at yourself in the mirror. Living with constant self-doubt and insecurity can be draining. It chips away at your confidence, keeps you from stepping outside your comfort zone, and holds you back from fully embracing life.

Struggling with insecurity? You’re definitely not alone. Insecurities often have roots in early experiences, societal expectations, or past trauma. They can drain your confidence and make you hesitant to move forward. Breaking free from insecurity takes patience and intentional effort, but it is absolutely possible. Building self-awareness is key — learning to spot your triggers, question negative thoughts, show yourself kindness, and acknowledge every success, no matter how small, can help you grow stronger over time says Sanjana Gupta, a health writer and editor.

What Is Insecurity?

The American Psychological Association defines insecurity as a sense of inadequacy and low confidence that leads us to question our abilities and our connections with others. Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic in Chicago, explains that insecurity often stems from a deep-seated belief that you are fundamentally a failure. Insecurity can look different for everyone, but recognizing the signs is a powerful first step toward building a stronger, more confident you. Here’s what it might look like:

Self-doubt creeping in: You sometimes question your abilities, your appearance, or your worth — but remember, noticing this is the beginning of change.

Harsh inner critic: You may catch yourself focusing on mistakes or flaws, but every time you notice it, you have the chance to replace criticism with kindness.

Comparing yourself to others: It's easy to fall into comparison traps, but your journey is unique — and awareness helps you stay focused on your own growth.

Seeking approval: You might look to others for validation, but learning to trust your own voice is a skill you can absolutely build.

Fear of rejection: Fear can feel overwhelming, but it also shows you care — and with practice, you can face it with courage.

Sensitivity to feedback: Feeling hurt by criticism is natural, but over time, you can learn to take what helps and leave the rest.

Defensiveness: If you find yourself reacting strongly to feedback, it’s just another sign that you care deeply — and with time, you can turn defensiveness into openness.

Overconfidence as a shield: Sometimes we mask insecurity by acting overly sure. Recognizing this pattern helps you build true, steady confidence from within, as Dr. Aimee Daramus notes.

Social anxiety: Feeling nervous around others is tough, but every small step you take to engage and connect is a huge victory.

Physical signs: A racing heart, tense muscles, or an upset stomach are just signals from your body — reminders that you’re growing through something important.

Every one of these signs isn't a flaw — it’s an opportunity for growth, healing, and becoming your strongest, most authentic self.

What Causes Insecurity?

Insecurity doesn’t just show up out of nowhere — there are lots of experiences that can plant those seeds early on:

Early Childhood Experiences: Growing up without enough love, support, or positive reinforcement from caregivers can leave you questioning your worth. When those who are meant to love you unconditionally fall short, it becomes harder to learn self-love.

Pressure from Parents: According to Dr. Daramus, being placed under excessive pressure or expected to handle tasks beyond your abilities as a child can lead to persistent feelings of failure.

Abuse and Negative Experiences: Childhood abuse, bullying, rejection, or harsh criticism can leave deep emotional wounds. Dr. Daramus notes that being repeatedly told you're flawed can eventually make you believe it.

Trauma: Traumatic events can damage your sense of safety and trust, making it difficult to feel secure within yourself or in the world around you.

Past Setbacks: Experiences of rejection, failure, or criticism — whether in your personal life or career — can gradually erode your confidence and make you wary of taking risks.

Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards for yourself can trap you in a cycle of disappointment and feeling like you’re never good enough.

Lack of Encouragement: Without supportive relationships and affirming feedback, it’s easy for self-doubt to take root.

Comparing Yourself to Others: Measuring your worth against others' achievements, looks, or successes can deepen feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.

Societal Pressures: Cultural expectations around success, appearance, or relationships can also weigh heavily and contribute to insecurity.

Impact of social media: The carefully curated images on social media often set unrealistic standards, making it easy to feel like you don’t measure up.

Neurodivergence: In some cases, underlying neurodivergent conditions like ADHD or autism can contribute to feelings of insecurity, according to Dr. Daramus.

How Insecurity Affects Your Life

Insecurity doesn’t just stay in your head — it can impact your mental health, relationships, career, and overall growth. Here’s how it might show up:

Low self-esteem: When insecurity takes hold, it often chips away at your confidence, leaving you questioning your abilities, value, and self-worth.

Imposter syndrome: Dr. Daramus explains that insecurity can fuel imposter syndrome, making you feel like a fraud even when you’re genuinely succeeding. You might achieve something huge — like winning an Olympic medal or a Nobel Prize — and still feel like you’re not good enough.

Mental health struggles: Constant feelings of not measuring up can feed anxiety, stress, and even depression. Living in fear of rejection or failure can seriously weigh on your emotional well-being.

Relationship challenges: Insecurity can make it tough to build strong, healthy relationships. You might struggle with jealousy, possessiveness, or find it hard to fully trust and open up to others.

Difficulty making decisions: When you’re always doubting yourself, even simple decisions can feel overwhelming. You might second-guess every choice or lean too heavily on what others think.

Missed chances: Fear of failing or being judged can hold you back from trying new things, taking risks, or putting yourself out there. As Dr. Daramus notes, insecurity can stop you from fully going after opportunities, limiting both personal and professional growth.

How to Recognize Your Own Insecurities

Building self-awareness is a powerful first step in overcoming insecurity. Here are some ways you can start identifying and understanding where your insecurities show up:

Listen to your inner voice: Notice the thoughts that run through your mind during the day. Are they supportive and uplifting, or are they critical and focused on your flaws?

Pay attention to your emotions: Take note of moments when you feel anxious, defensive, or like you’re not good enough. These emotional reactions often highlight areas where insecurity might be hiding.

Tune into your body: Sometimes your body gives you clues — things like sweaty palms, blushing, or feeling tense could be signs that insecurity has been triggered.

Reflect on your actions: Ask yourself — do you avoid taking risks or speaking your mind because you’re afraid of being judged? Do you often worry too much about how others see you or put others’ approval ahead of your own needs?

Start a journal: Keeping a journal can help you spot patterns. Write down situations where you feel self-doubt, anxiety, or the urge to avoid something. Also note how you feel emotionally, physically, and behaviorally in each situation. Over time, you’ll start to see triggers and patterns you can work on changing.

How to Start Overcoming Insecurity

Experts give the following practical strategies to help you move past insecurity:

Challenge your negative beliefs: Instead of automatically believing the critical things you tell yourself, take a step back and question them. Dr. Daramus suggests asking yourself: Who taught me to think this way about myself? Digging into the roots of your self-beliefs can be a powerful first step toward change.

Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a good friend. Remember that everyone makes mistakes — it's part of growing. Focus on forgiving yourself and learning from your experiences.

Accept yourself as you are: You don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of love and belonging. Work on embracing all parts of yourself — even your flaws — rather than constantly striving for impossible standards.

Celebrate your wins: Dr. Daramus recommends keeping a list of your achievements, no matter how small or imperfect they might seem. “You likely already keep track of your mistakes, so it's important to intentionally celebrate the good things, too,” she says.

Push beyond your comfort zone: Try new things, even if they scare you a little. Every small victory builds your confidence and reminds you that you are capable.

Be mindful of social media use: Curated, picture-perfect feeds can amplify feelings of inadequacy. Taking breaks or limiting your time on social media can help you stay grounded in reality.

Surround yourself with supportive people: Dr. Daramus emphasizes spending time with those who appreciate and encourage you. If possible, limit time around people who criticize without kindness or focus only on your flaws.

Consider therapy: If insecurity is deeply impacting your life, reaching out to a therapist can be incredibly helpful. Therapy can give you tools to manage negative thoughts, rebuild self-esteem, and create a healthier relationship with yourself.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist