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1. WAYS MESSY AND CLEAN, TIDY PARTNERS CAN LIVE HAPPILY TOGETHER

WAYS MESSY AND CLEAN, TIDY PARTNERS CAN LIVE HAPPILY TOGETHER

In the early stages of marriage, you may discover certain ‘trigger points’ that easily cause tension between you. What once seemed charming or harmless during dating can quickly become a major issue when it starts disrupting your shared living space.” If you’re facing this kind of challenge, the following suggestions offer some calm and constructive ways to work through it. I understand that couples from different cultures and with varied lifestyles may need to adjust these suggestions to fit their unique situation—and that’s completely okay. Take time to pray, reflect, and consider these ideas to see what might resonate with you:

• The saying, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward,” is wise advice—especially when it comes to habits around the house. Show grace to one another by overlooking what you can for the sake of peace. For the issues you can’t ignore, ask God for guidance on how to address them gently and patiently. Pray first, then talk.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” —Ephesians 4:2-3

• Remember: “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” —Barbara Johnson

“The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor [your spouse] as yourself.’ If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” —Galatians 5:14-15

• Always approach challenges as a team. The goal is to solve the issue, not to fight each other. Choose a good time to talk—avoiding moments when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (H.A.L.T.). Then work together to create a plan that brings more peace and balance into your home, as much as possible for both of you.

Understand this:

Being naturally messy or tidy isn’t always a deliberate choice—it often stems from how we were raised, the environments we’ve lived in, or even our mental health. So, no matter where you land on that spectrum, it’s important to approach each other with empathy. Differences in habits are normal; what matters is learning how to manage those differences together. (Adapted from Cynthia Anaya, *Our Best Tips for Helping Messy and Neat People Live Together Happily*)

 

It’s true:

Sharing a home can be tough when one of you leans toward neatness and the other tends to be more relaxed about clutter. But the challenges go both ways. The key is mutual compromise—when both partners are willing to adjust a little, it can go a long way. (Cynthia Anaya)

Also, it’s essential to talk about what “clean” means to each of you. Misunderstandings often happen because we assume we’re speaking the same language when we’re not. One person may prioritize tidiness—clear surfaces and organized spaces—while the other cares more about actual cleanliness, like dusting and disinfecting. For example, one spouse might not notice yarn or papers spread around the room, while the other overlooks a dusty shelf. So, when you say, “Let’s keep the living room clean,” make sure you clarify what that actually looks like to each of you. (Adapted from Sheila Wray Gregoire, *Real Good Housekeeping*).

Start by writing down the specific habits or behaviors that bother you or that you’d like to see improved. Sort them into two categories: things that are negotiable and things that are non-negotiable. Then, calmly share with your spouse what changes you’d appreciate and what really needs to change. Avoid turning every issue into a deal-breaker. Focus on what truly matters. When it’s time to talk about solutions, make sure it’s a genuine conversation—not a lecture. This shouldn’t be a one-sided list of demands, but a respectful discussion where both of you have a voice. If the tone becomes accusatory, the connection breaks down. Empathy is key—so listen to your spouse’s perspective and invite their input. (Adapted from Joseph Nolan, *Living with a Messy Spouse? *)

Also, keep in mind:

Expecting perfect neatness may not be realistic. So, begin with small steps. Designate certain shared spaces—like the living room or kitchen—as “tidy zones” you both agree to maintain. These are often high-traffic areas that are seen the most. Taking this small-step approach helps build a habit of order. Giving commands to “clean the whole house” can feel overwhelming, especially for a messier partner. But if you focus on keeping just one or two key areas neat, even the most disorganized person can manage that. (Adapted from Joseph Nolan).

Keep these key truths in mind:

• Change doesn’t happen instantly. Building new habits—especially around tidiness—takes time and patience. So don’t expect immediate results. Focus on what really matters: your relationship. Your marriage is far more valuable than having a perfectly clean home. (Shared from the experience of a self-described recovering neat freak, Joseph Nolan)

• Often, disagreements about chores aren’t really about the chores themselves. At the heart of many conflicts is a deeper question: “Do you truly love and value me?” When we recognize that this is the real issue, it can help us approach the situation with more compassion and a willingness to compromise. (Sheila Wray Gregoire)

• Of course, it might seem easier to live with someone who shares your habits—but the differences between you are also chances to grow. Learning to be more thoughtful, patient, and understanding can strengthen your bond and help you both become better at loving each other. (Eunia Lee).

And we fully echo what Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott have written:

A house truly becomes a home when the people in it live out God’s principles for love and grace.

So, remember:

“Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.”—Ephesians 4:2 (TLB)

At Giving Hope Counselling Services, our professional and experienced Marriage and Family Therapists are here to help you navigate the everyday challenges that come with living with a partner who may be tidier—or messier—than you are. We understand that differences in cleanliness and organization can lead to frustration, conflict, and even strain in a relationship. That’s why we offer expert guidance and practical strategies to help couples communicate better, find healthy compromises, and build mutual respect in their shared space. Let us support you in creating a more peaceful, understanding, and happy home—no matter how different your styles may be.

Call/WhatsApp us at +254721240462/+254733932470 or email us at info@givinghope.co.ke to book a counselling session. You may also visit the blog on our website www.givinghope.co.ke for similar articles on relationships and marriage welfare.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

Dip. In Counselling (MFT), B. Com., MA in Counselling, PhD (MFT) On-going