DEALING WITH CONFLICT: FOUR TYPES OF COUPLES

Does the desirability of accommodation mean that you and your partner should avoid arguing with each other? Not at all. Even heated arguments can be constructive, and some couples who engage in forceful, robust arguments appear to have stable, satisfying marriages. Arguments support or erode a couple's satisfaction depending on the manner in which arguments are conducted. Marriage researcher John Gottman (1993, 1994a, 1999) has studied conflict for years and his results have led him to suggest that there are three discrete approaches to conflict that can lead to stable and enduring marriages.

Volatile couples have frequent and passionate arguments. They plunge into fiery efforts to persuade and influence each other, and they often display high levels of negative affect, but they temper their anger with plenty of wits and evident fondness for each other.

Validators fight more politely. They tend to be calmer than volatile couples, and they behave more like collaborators than like antagonists as they work through their problems. Their discussions may become heated, but they frequently validate each other by expressing empathy for, and understanding of, the other's point of view.

In contrast to Volatiles and Validators, Avoiders rarely argue. They avoid confrontation, and if they do discuss their conflicts, they do so mildly and gingerly. As Gottman (1993, p. 10) reported, rather than discuss a conflict with their partners, avoiders often just try to fix it on their own or wait it out, hoping that the passage of time will solve the problem.

Although they are very different, Gottman asserts that all three types of couples can last because they all maintain a high ratio of rewards to costs in their approaches to conflict. Volatile couples exchange a lot of negative emotions, but they balance the scales with even more affection and humour. Avoiders aren't particularly effusive or amiable, but they don't have a lot of negative vibes to overcome. As long as the positive, accepting components of their interactions substantially outnumber the negative, quarrelsome ones, and an acceptable ratio is a minimum of 5 positive exchanges for every 1 negative, couples can fight loudly or not at all and do little damage to their relationship.

In some couples, however, arguments are harmful, caustic events. For Gottman, Hostiles are couples who fail to maintain a 5-to-1 ratio of nice behaviour to nasty conduct. Their discussions are sprinkled with too much criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal, and the longer they last, the more oppressive they become. Some hostile couples actively address their disagreements but do so badly whereas others remain more detached and uninvolved but snipe at each other in brief salvos of distaste. But whether or not they are actively arguing, hostiles are simply meaner to each other than other couples are, and that's why their conflicts are dangerous for their relationships.

Therefore, heated arguments do not necessarily do harm to intimate relationships, especially when they are conducted with some empathy and respect. Real passion is not to be feared as long as it's leavened with regard for one's partner. But under no circumstances should you allow a conflict discussion to become sour, sarcastic, and surly. Conflict is corrosive when it becomes venomous and acidic.

ENDING CONFLICTS AMONG COUPLES

Peterson (2002) described five ways in which conflicts can end, and their ending ranges roughly from the most destructive and damaging to the most constructive and beneficial.

Separation occurs when one or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict. The separation that ends a heated encounter may prevent irreparable harm to the relationship, and time apart may give combatants time to cool off and to think about their situation more constructively. It offers no solutions to a couple's problem, however, and may simply delay further discord.

Other conflicts end in conquest. In domination, one partner gets his or her way when the other capitulates. This happens routinely when one person is more powerful than the other, and the more powerful partner will typically be pleased with the outcome. Domination is aversive for the loser, however, and it may breed ill will and resentment (Zacchilli et al., 2009).

Compromise occurs when both parties reduce their aspirations so that a mutually acceptable alternative can be found. As Peterson suggested (2002, p. 380), the partners' "interests are diluted rather than reconciled" and neither partner gets everything he or she wants, but neither goes empty-handed. This may be the best outcome available when one person's gain can come only at the expense of the other, but in other situations, better solutions are usually available.

Integrative agreements satisfy both partners' original 'goals and aspirations, usually through creativity and flexibility. They're not easy to reach and they typically take some work. Partners may need to refine and prioritize their wishes, make selective concessions, and invent new ways of attaining their goals that do not impose upon their partners. Nevertheless, through determination, ingenuity, imagination, and generous cooperation, partners can often get the things they really want.

Finally, on occasion, the partners not only get what they want but also learn and grow and make desirable changes to their relationship. This pleasant outcome, structural improvement, isn't frequent and when it occurs, it is usually the result of significant turmoil and upheaval. Partners may have encountered perilous stress and serious conflict to reach a point that leads them to rethink their habits and to muster both the courage and the will to change them. Still, structural improvement leaves a couple better off. As Peterson (2002, p. 382) wrote:

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