LETTING
YOUR PARTNER’S VOICE MATTER – THE HEART OF ACCEPTING INFLUENCE
In
a healthy relationship, both partners want to feel heard, respected, and
valued. Ideally, important decisions are made as a team, with each person
having the freedom to express their thoughts, preferences, and concerns. Yet in
real life, this can be much harder than it sounds. Sometimes we believe we are
willing to compromise—if only our partner would be more flexible! Research by
relationship experts Dr John Gottman and Dr Neil Jacobson highlights
an important principle: relationships tend to be healthier and more satisfying
when partners are willing to accept each other’s influence. Interestingly,
their research found that the more influence a partner is willing to accept,
the more influence that person tends to have within the relationship. This may
seem surprising. We might think that standing firm and getting our own way
gives us greater power. But healthy relationships work differently. Being open
to your partner does not make you weaker. In many cases, it actually creates
greater respect, cooperation, and influence.
What
Does It Really Mean to Accept Influence?
Accepting
influence does not mean agreeing with everything your partner says,
giving in every time, or simply saying, “Yes, dear,” to keep the peace. Instead,
it means being genuinely open to your partner’s thoughts, feelings, needs, and
ideas. It means communicating:
“Your
perspective matters to me. I may not agree with you, but I am willing to
listen, understand, and consider what you are saying.”
That
willingness can make a tremendous difference. For example, you might say:
- “I
understand why you feel that way.” - “I
hadn’t considered it from that perspective.” - “You
have a good point.” - “Let’s
see if we can find a solution that works for both of us.” - “I
still see things differently, but I understand where you’re coming from.”
These
responses do not mean surrendering your position. They show your partner that they
matter to you even when you disagree.
When
We Resist Our Partner’s Influence
Resistance
can appear in obvious ways. One partner may insist on always having the final
say, dismiss the other person's ideas, or refuse to compromise. But resistance
can also be much more subtle. For example, someone may ask, “What do you
think?” while already having made up their mind. Another person may
automatically say “no” simply because they feel that agreeing means losing
control. Whatever the reason, the message received by the other partner can
eventually become:
“My
opinion doesn't really matter here.”
Over
time, this can lead to frustration, emotional distance, power struggles, and
resentment. At the other extreme, some people have grown up in families or
environments where they learned that their opinions do not matter. They may
stop expressing themselves because they believe, “There is no point speaking
up. Nothing will change anyway.” Both extremes can damage a relationship.
One partner may become overly controlling while the other becomes increasingly
silent or resentful. A healthy relationship creates room for both voices
to be heard.
How
Can Couples Become Better at Accepting Influence?
1.
Start by Looking at Yourself
Self-awareness
is an important first step. You may genuinely believe you are simply expressing
your opinion, while your partner experiences you as dismissive or unwilling to
listen. Ask yourself:
“Am I really open to my partner’s perspective, or am I
simply waiting for my turn to explain why I am right?”
Being
honest with yourself can reveal patterns that may be quietly affecting your
relationship.
2.
Listen With Curiosity
When
you disagree, try to understand before trying to persuade. Ask questions such
as:
“Help me understand why this is important to you.”
“What are you most concerned about?”
“What would make this feel fair to you?”
Listening
with curiosity does not require agreement. It simply creates space for
understanding. And when both partners feel understood and respected, it becomes
much easier to find solutions that work for both people.
3.
Remember What the Research Tells Us
The
work of John Gottman and Neil Jacobson reminds us that accepting
influence is not a sign of weakness. In fact, being open to your partner can
increase your own influence in the relationship. In other words:
The more willing you are to listen, the more likely your
partner is to listen to you.
Healthy
influence goes both ways.
4.
Look for Ways to Say “Yes”
Saying
“yes” does not always mean agreeing. Sometimes “yes” simply means:
“I hear you.”
“I can see your point.”
“That makes sense from your perspective.”
“Let me think about what you've said.”
Even
small moments of openness can soften tension and remind your partner that you
are on the same team. Instead of asking, “How can I win this argument?”,
try asking:
“How can we understand each other and find a way forward
together?”
The
Goal Is Not to Win—It Is to Stay Connected
Every
couple will disagree. Healthy relationships are not relationships without
differences; they are relationships where differences can be handled with
respect. Accepting influence means making room for your partner's voice without
losing your own. It is about moving from “my way versus your way”
toward “how can we find our way?” As Gottman’s research suggests,
relationships become stronger when partners share influence, listen to one
another, and approach important decisions as a team. Sometimes, protecting your
relationship means being willing to say:
“I
still have my perspective—but I care enough about us to hear yours.”
And
sometimes, that small “yes” can open the door to greater understanding,
cooperation, and connection.
At
Giving Hope Counselling Services, we help couples move from “my way
versus your way” to “our way.” Through professional and compassionate
marriage counselling, we guide partners to listen with openness, understand
each other’s perspectives, express their needs respectfully, and learn to
accept each other’s influence without feeling that they are losing control or
giving in. Drawing from evidence-based relationship approaches, including the
work of Dr. John Gottman, we help couples develop healthier
communication, compromise, mutual respect, and shared decision-making. If
disagreements have become a constant struggle for control, our therapists can
help you rebuild teamwork, strengthen emotional connection, and create a
relationship where both partners feel heard, valued, and respected. You
don’t have to win every disagreement—you can learn how to win together. Contact
Giving Hope Counselling Services today and take the first step toward a
healthier, more connected relationship.
📞 Book a Session Today
Let us walk with you on your
journey toward healing and restoration.
- Couples
Therapy - Marriage
Counselling - Relationship
Healing Sessions
👉 Reach out today and take the
first step toward a healthier, more connected relationship.
Always seek our services by
calling/WhatsApp at +*254721240462*/*254733932470* or email us pkuruga@gmail.com. Also check for more informative
articles on our blog on our website www.givinghope.co.ke.
*Peter
Mugi Kuruga*
*Counselling
Psychologist* | *Marriage and Family Therapist*
*Diploma
in Counselling (MFT), B. Com., MA in Sociology (Counselling), PhD (MFT) – On
going*
