RAISING
GRATEFUL AND RESPONSIBLE CHILDREN – HOW TO PREVENT SPOILING WITHOUT WITHHOLDING
LOVE
Understanding
the Difference Between Normal Childhood Behaviour and Spoiling
Every
child goes through stages of being self-centred. Young children naturally think
about their own needs first because they are still learning empathy, patience,
sharing, and self-control. Child development experts agree that this is a
normal and expected part of growing up. However, there is a difference between
normal childhood self-centredness and a child becoming consistently entitled or
overindulged. A child who always expects to get what they want, struggles to
hear the word "no", or believes everyone should cater to their wishes
may be developing unhealthy attitudes that can affect them well into adulthood.
A
Parents magazine poll found that 42% of parents believed their own
child was spoilt, while 80% believed that spoiling children would have
long-term consequences. According to psychologist Dr Louis J. Lichtman,
author of A Practical Guide for Raising a Self-Directed and Caring Child,
parents do their children a great disservice when they grow up believing that
the world revolves around them. Such children often struggle to appreciate
others, accept disappointment, and build healthy relationships.
The
encouraging news is that no child is beyond help. If your child has begun
developing entitled attitudes, consistent parenting and healthy boundaries can
help them become more grateful, respectful, and responsible.
What
Causes Children to Become Spoilt?
One
of the biggest causes of spoiling is a parenting style known as permissive
parenting. According to the American Academy of Paediatrics (AAP),
when children grow up with very few rules, inconsistent discipline, or weak
boundaries, they are more likely to become self-centred, immature, and
demanding. This does not mean parents intentionally spoil their children. In
fact, most parents do so out of love. Parents naturally want to make their
children happy. They enjoy seeing smiles on their faces, buying them little
surprises, and creating wonderful family memories. It is also much easier to
say "yes" than to deal with whining, tears, or arguments.
Many
parents also carry feelings of guilt. Busy work schedules, financial
responsibilities, and other commitments often reduce the amount of time they
spend with their children. As Dr Louis J. Lichtman explains, when
parents only have a few hours each day with their children, they naturally want
that time to be enjoyable rather than filled with conflict. There is absolutely
nothing wrong with occasionally buying your child a small toy, taking them out
for ice cream, or planning a special outing. Problems arise when these treats
become automatic responses to constant begging, complaining, or emotional outbursts.
Children quickly learn that if they complain long enough, they will eventually
get their way. Our role as parents is not simply to make children happy
today—it is to prepare them to become responsible, caring, and emotionally
healthy adults.
Signs
That a Child May Be Becoming Overindulged
Many
child development professionals avoid using the label "spoilt"
because it can sound harsh and is not clearly defined. However, experts agree
that children who are consistently overindulged often display certain
behaviours. These may include:
- Poor
self-control. - Difficulty
accepting "no" as an answer. - Frequent
temper tantrums. - Acting
impulsively without considering consequences. - Aggressive
or demanding behaviour. - Expecting
special treatment. - Self-centredness
and lack of consideration for others. - Resistance
to rules and authority. - Wanting
to control situations or other people.
These
behaviours are learned, which means they can also be unlearned through
consistent parenting.
What
Happens If These Behaviours Continue?
If
parents continue giving in to every demand or avoid setting healthy limits,
these behaviours often continue into adolescence and adulthood. Research shows
that overindulged children may later struggle with:
- Motivation
and hard work. - Perseverance
when life becomes difficult. - Handling
disappointment. - Delayed
gratification. - Healthy
friendships and romantic relationships. - Respecting
authority. - Managing
finances wisely.
Many
adults who find it difficult to cope with setbacks or accept correction never
learned these important life skills during childhood. The good news is that it
is never too late to change direction. Loving, consistent parenting can help
children develop responsibility, gratitude, and resilience.
Teach
Children That Disappointment Is Part of Life
Every
parent dislikes seeing their child disappointed. Naturally, we want to protect
them from sadness whenever possible. However, learning to cope with
disappointment is one of life's most valuable lessons. There are times when
parents should apologise—for example, after losing their temper or making a
genuine mistake. But there is no need to apologise because you cannot afford an
expensive toy or because you choose not to buy something your child wants. Instead,
acknowledge your child's feelings while standing by your decision. For example:
"I
know you're disappointed because you really wanted those shoes. They are nice,
but they aren't in our budget right now."
This
simple response tells your child that you understand their feelings without
teaching them that disappointment should always be avoided.
Family
therapist Dr Karen Ruskin explains that helping children accept they
cannot always have everything they want prepares them for real life. If an
older child wants something expensive, involve them in earning it.
For
example:
"I'm
happy to pay part of the cost. If you still want it, you can save up for the
rest."
This
teaches responsibility, patience, budgeting, and the satisfaction that comes
from working towards a goal.
Don't
Reward Temper Tantrums
Temper
tantrums are difficult for every parent. Whether your toddler screams in the
supermarket or your teenager slams the bedroom door after hearing
"no", it is tempting to give in simply to restore peace. Unfortunately,
every time a tantrum succeeds, it becomes more likely to happen again.
According
to parenting expert Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting
Solutions, children repeat behaviours that work. When tantrums happen at
home, stay calm and avoid arguing or negotiating, provided no one is in danger.
In public places, calmly remove your child from the situation instead of giving
them what they want simply to stop the embarrassment. Children eventually learn
that emotional outbursts do not change their parents' decisions.
Teach
the Valuable Skill of Patience
Today's
children live in a world where almost everything happens instantly. Messages
arrive within seconds. Questions are answered immediately through internet
searches. Movies, games, food deliveries, and video calls are available almost
on demand. According to Dr Karen Ruskin, this culture of instant
gratification can make children believe they should always get what they want
immediately. Parents sometimes unintentionally reinforce this expectation by
quickly saying yes whenever children ask for sweets, toys, gadgets, or other
treats. However, learning to wait is one of the greatest gifts parents can give
their children. Waiting teaches:
- Self-control.
- Patience.
- Gratitude.
- Wise
decision-making. - Appreciation
for what they eventually receive.
Parents
should also model patience themselves. For example:
"I'd
really like to buy these new jeans, but the ones I have are still good. I'll
wait until they go on sale."
Children
learn just as much from watching us as they do from listening to us.
Encourage
Effort More Than Material Rewards
Every
child needs encouragement. But constantly rewarding children with gifts, money,
or treats for every small accomplishment can reduce their natural desire to do
well. According to Amy McCready, children who expect rewards for
everything gradually lose their internal motivation. Instead of working hard
because they enjoy learning or improving, they begin asking, "What will I
get if I do this?"
A
much healthier approach is to praise effort, persistence, responsibility, and
improvement. Instead of saying,
"Good
job."
Be
more specific:
"I
noticed how hard you practised this week, and your passing really improved
during today's game."
Specific
praise builds confidence, resilience, and a genuine love for learning. Of
course, it is perfectly appropriate to celebrate important milestones. Taking
your child out for dinner after they have worked hard or achieved something
meaningful is a wonderful way of showing love. The difference is that it is a
celebration—not a payment for expected behaviour.
Final
Thoughts
Every
loving parent wants to see their child happy. But our greatest responsibility
is not simply to make our children happy today—it is to prepare them for
tomorrow. Children who learn gratitude, patience, responsibility, empathy, and
self-discipline are far more likely to become confident, respectful, and
emotionally healthy adults. Remember, children need more than toys, treats, and
endless "yeses". They need loving parents who are willing to say
"no" when necessary, set healthy boundaries, teach responsibility,
and model the values they hope to see in their children. The greatest gift we
can give our children is not a life without disappointment, but the character
and resilience to face life's challenges with confidence, gratitude, and
integrity.
Every
parent wants to raise children who are kind, grateful, respectful, and
responsible—but in today's world, this can be challenging. At Giving Hope
Counselling Services, our experienced parenting and family therapy
specialists are here to help. We provide practical, evidence-based guidance to
help parents set healthy boundaries, nurture gratitude, teach responsibility,
build resilience, and raise emotionally healthy children who grow into
confident and caring adults. Whether you're struggling with entitlement,
challenging behaviour, or simply want to strengthen your parenting skills, we
will walk alongside you with compassion, professional expertise, and proven
strategies to help your family thrive.
Always
seek our services by calling/WhatsApp at *+254721240462*/*+254733932470* or emailing us at pkuruga@gmail.com. Also check for more informative articles on our blog on
our website www.givinghope.co.ke.
*Peter
Mugi Kuruga*
*Counselling
Psychologist* | *Marriage and Family Therapist*
*Diploma
in Counselling (MFT), B.Com., MA in Sociology (Counselling), PhD (MFT) – Ongoing*
