Successful Marriages - Secrets Every Couple Needs to Know

Marriage is often described as one of life’s most daring commitments—a bold journey where two individuals promise to navigate life’s complexities together. In Successful Marriages, Peter Mugi Kuruga invites us to explore the profound and multifaceted nature of this sacred institution with wisdom, insight, and heart. Peter introduces readers to the audacious reality of marriage, likening it to a football match—a game requiring teamwork, strategy, resilience, and a steady focus on shared goals. This book is an invaluable resource for anyone seeking to build or strengthen their marriage. Peter’s wisdom, drawn from years of experience and profound understanding, serves as a beacon of hope and guidance for couples at every stage of their journey. It is an honour to commend this work to you, and I trust it will inspire, challenge, and encourage you to embrace the beauty and commitment of marriage with renewed faith and purpose. Bishop Rt. Rev. Joel Waweru Nairobi, Kenya. (2024)

As the Chief Therapist at Giving Hope Counselling Services, I have observed that many clients in relationships, newly married or married for many years, continue to face modern challenges that strain their marriages. While some issues are easily resolved in counselling, others lead to divorce. These modern-day challenges include the social media that encourages sharing only the best moments, creating a false sense of what a marriage should look like leading to disappointment when real life challenges occur. Again, the excessive screen time reduces meaningful interaction between partners and quality of their emotional connection which is essential for maintaining intimacy. It is the realization that the modern marriages are facing so many challenges that I therefore sought to write a guide for both those intending to get married and those already married that would enable them to navigate these issues and have successful marriages that will cater for the welfare of their families. Without successful marriages, the survival of families as we know them would be threatened. Successful marriages require preparation and commitment by the couple who need to learn communication and conflict resolution skills as well as money management, agree on issues of sexuality, religion, careers, parenting and others as guided by a Marriage and Family Therapist.

We’ve often heard that love isn’t enough to sustain a marriage, and nothing could be closer to the truth. In the current social media era where many couples are publicising their relationships, the high level of breakups and separations, even those of seemingly unbreakable couples, is a testament that there’s more to building a lasting marriage than we seem to appreciate. If the main ingredient to a marriage that stands the test of time isn’t being in love, marrying the most romantic partner, or having a high level of chemistry and compatibility, what then makes for successful marriages. Selflflessness: The Foundation of the Outrageous Commitment to Marriage According to Elmore, the answer to a lasting marriage is realising that the marital union is an ‘Outrageous Commitment’. He goes on to describe that a thing can be said to be outrageous when we keep doing it even when it doesn’t seem to benefit us; something that demands from us a higher investment than it seems to return. This requires selflessness.

Just as a football player dedicates countless hours to training, strategizing, and working cohesively with teammates, a successful marriage requires unwavering dedication, teamwork, and ongoing effort to nurture the relationship. Both marriage and football have their own challenges, be it navigating a tough season or overcoming personal conflicts, but, ultimately, both thrive on the foundations of trust, communication, and shared goals. There’s a Goal in Mind In football, the goal is to win. In marriage, the goal is to finish well together, pleasing your spouse and God. The ultimate victory is to hear God say, “Well done, good and faithful servant!” Football and marriage offer both fun and challenges. By keeping these similarities in mind, you can strive for a marriage that not only survives but thrives, experiencing the sweet victory of a life well lived together.

Are you already envisioning your dream wedding and eagerly planning every detail? Before you dive too deep into flower arrangements and bridal gowns, take a moment to pause and reflect. While the excitement of creating a memorable wedding day is undeniable, it’s essential to prioritise laying a strong foundation for a marriage that flourishes long after the festivities are over. Premarital counselling offers couples a lifeboat before they enter the sea. Entering married life without counselling is like beginning a sailing journey without a sailing raft and then striving to source for one when you’re already drowning. Consider starting the marriage journey by seeking guidance from a Marriage Counsellor. A counsellor can help you establish the necessary groundwork for a resilient marriage that withstands the trials and challenges life may bring.

Entering marriage is a significant step that demands open communication and careful consideration between partners. Before making this lifelong commitment, couples must discuss important topics such as finances, family planning, career goals, emotional expectations, and core values. Having conversations about key issues helps couples enhance their understanding of each other and strengthens their bond, paving the way for a unified vision and a healthy and happy marriage. Just as immunisations fortify the body against potential illnesses, marriage preparation serves as a preventive measure, enhancing your ability to navigate potential obstacles. Why not equip yourself with every advantage to ensure success?

In a culture that sometimes downplays the importance of fatherhood and marriage, we must recognise the immense impact husbands and fathers have within their families. God has commanded husbands to cherish their wives and has provided them with the strength to do so. Your wife deeply desires to know that you see her value and wants to be reminded of it often. By cherishing their wives, husbands affirm their worth and build a foundation of mutual respect and love. Husbands have a responsibility to safeguard their families from various threats—whether physical, spiritual, or emotional. The biblical account of Ruth highlights Boaz as a role model who protected Ruth even before they were married. Ultimately, husbands and fathers play indispensable roles within their families, offering love, support, and guidance that shape the lives of their loved ones. By embracing their strengths and fulfilling their responsibilities with love and dedication, husbands and fathers contribute to the flourishing of their families and the perpetuation of love across generations.

Marriage is like a strong bridge that connects two people; and just like any bridge needs solid pillars to stand tall, a successful marriage needs adherence to certain principles to thrive. World-renowned Clinical Psychologist and Marriage and Family Researchers John Gottman and Nan Silver came up with seven principles that make for a successful marriage that they wrote in their book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. By staying committed to these fundamental ideas, partners can build a loving, lasting relationship that can withstand the challenges they face, just like a well-constructed bridge can carry the weight of traffic for many years. The feeling of a deep sense of unity with your spouse on the most profound issues takes time and ongoing exploration. It’s a lifelong journey rather than a destination. The goal isn’t to agree on every aspect of what is profoundly meaningful to each partner, but rather to create a marriage where both spouses are open to each other’s dearly held beliefs. By fostering an environment where these convictions can be readily divulged, couples can experience greater joy and fulfilment in their shared life together.

Kindness and compassion can be easily overlooked amidst the daily demands of marriage. As life grows hectic, we might respond sharply to our spouse or dismiss their struggles due to our busy schedules. This attitude of ‘just pull it together and keep moving!’ undermines the foundation of our relationships instead of nurturing them. By prioritising kindness and compassion in your marriage, you create an environment where you and your spouse feel valued and cared for, fostering a stronger and more enduring relationship over time.

According to Jack and Carole Mayhall, “There are as many ways to handle disagreements as there are personalities. Some people simmer quietly, while others explode. Some confront issues directly, while others prefer to avoid confrontation. Two common styles are often labelled as the Confronter and the Avoider, or the attacker and the retreater. Others refer to these approaches as expressive and non-expressive.” Do you and your spouse both tend to confront or avoid conflicts? Perhaps one of you confronts while the other avoids. Bottom line, conflicts can be tough to navigate as both parties often feel strongly about their approach.

When most of us get married, we do not think about the possibility of infidelity in our marriages because we are so deeply in love. We assume that cheating cannot happen in our marriages, and hence fail to protect our marriages from extramarital affairs. Tragically, however, infidelity is more common than we think, even in Christian marriages. When it comes to infidelity, it’s better to be cautious and put up protective barriers in good times no matter how safe we feel when we marry. We should protect our marriages from adultery and help other couples protect theirs by being proactive rather than reactive.

God warns us against focusing on other people’s mistakes; that’s what we’re prone to do as humans. In Matthew 7:3, the bible cautions us against “looking at the speck of sawdust in our brother’s eye and paying no attention to the plank in our own eye.” That’s because, as humans, we tend to make light of our mistakes, sometimes even failing to recognise our own errors entirely, but are so quick to magnify the faults of others. The next time you’re frustrated with your spouse, pause for a moment and ask yourself what it is like to be married to you. Is being married to you easy? Regarding the conflict at hand, what could you have done differently to generate a more peaceful outcome between you and your spouse? This is self-reflection.

Unsolved relationship issues can create a growing sense of frustration and distance between partners, often leading to misunderstandings and resentment. How to React When Things Are Tough in A Relationship When facing difficulties in a relationship, it’s crucial to approach the issues with care, empathy, and effective communication. a. Admit it: Recognise and acknowledge the differences between you and your partner. b. Face it: Confront conflicts rather than avoid them. c. Confess it: Own up to your mistakes when you’re wrong. d. Value it: Appreciate and honour the privilege of being in the relationship.

Engaged couples often worry that the romance will diminish over time in their marriage. They fear that the excitement and connection they feel now will turn into routine and distance. And, yes, romance does fade away for several reasons such as busyness, marriage stagnation and boredom, emotional hurts, and even lack of romance. Preventing the fading of romance and sexual intimacy in marriage requires ongoing effort, commitment, and communication. By prioritising quality time together, nurturing physical affection and intimacy, renewing your commitment, seeking professional guidance when needed, and maintaining open communication, you can keep the spark alive in your relationship and build a lasting, fulfilling marriage. Remember, love is a journey, and it requires dedication and effort from both partners to keep the flame burning bright.

Human beings are inherently social creatures who depend on others for love, support, and a sense of belonging. In relationships, we yearn to be seen and accepted for who we are and feel cherished, cared for, and protected. We long for our efforts to be noticed and appreciated, and for our relationships to be prioritised above competing demands. Making each other feel safe and valued begins by healing any past hurts that may have made your spouse feel unvalued and unsafe. I’ve found that many men have especially caused emotional harm to the women in their lives. This is because men typically approach experiences in a rational, logical manner. Love is a woman’s greatest need. Her need for love is daily; she needs to feel second only to God in your affection. The standard for love is perfection as a man is called to love his wife as Christ loves the church. As an imperfect man, you can never love your wife enough.

The marriage institution has been marred with various myths about what makes a successful marriage. Couples often receive counsel from friends or strangers on how to make their marriage work. So, where’s the truth? Should couples stay together for the children and do happily married couples always argue calmly? Is communication the main key to a happy, fulfilling marital union? Marriage is a complex and demanding institution requiring courage, determination, and resilience. Understanding what truly makes a marriage work can make saving or safeguarding your marriage simpler. Focus on building a strong friendship, handling conflicts constructively, and maintaining mutual respect and affection to create a lasting relationship.

A happy marriage is built on solid biblical principles as God is the author of marriage. Adhering to biblical standards in your marriage can help you build a deeper spiritual connection with your spouse and also fosters commitment, unity, and a sense of purpose in the relationship. Let Love Guide You “Love is patient and kind. It is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and keeps no record of when it has been wronged.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). Love should be the guiding principle in your marriage. Love is patient, kind, and not easily angered. It does not hold grudges.

The Serenity Prayer is a powerful tool that can be particularly beneficial when applied to marriage. You can integrate it into your marital life to foster acceptance, courage, and wisdom. The Serenity Prayer goes like this: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time.” Acceptance In marriage, there are many things we cannot change. Instead of constantly focusing on these unchangeable aspects, we should give them to God, embrace His peace, and let go. Ask God to help you accept what you cannot change, even though it can be challenging.

Having a marriage that lasts has become something that many can only dream of. Most people are quick to leave their marriages at the slightest discomfort, which we’ve established is against God’s wishes for our marital lives as he expects us to love sacrificially. Of course, the need to hold on to your marriage doesn’t apply in cases where a spouse is abusive in any way, whether financially, physically, sexually, or emotionally. A marriage is only worth saving if the husband and wife honour each other. Remember, love shouldn’t be painful, neither should it be a constant uphill task. The best marriage is one that makes you a better person, helping you thrive and achieve your God-given purpose.